How relationship disagreements can make you closer

If you are like me, you’ve found yourself standing in the aftermath of a firestorm called a fight. You feel burned, damaged. Bitterness has taken root. Your heart, once open, is now closed—protected behind armor so you can’t be hurt again. Although you bury the pain, it smolders like a burning ember and pollutes your love or marriage relationship forever. Or you split up.

Personally, it wasn’t until I got a bit older and looked at my bone yard of broken love relationships that I realized how important the issue of fair fighting is. There is nothing more important than how you fight or express your upset. How you handle conflicts can determine the course of your entire love or marriage relationship. It influences whether or not you are perceived as trustworthy and a safe person with whom to disagree.

In my practice as a therapist I have witnessed a veritable wasteland of love relationships, countless marriage relationships lost or damaged because people didn’t know how to fight fair. The result was unhappy homes, bitter divorces, and countless tears and frustration.

Here is a list of 10 Love, Marriage Relationship MUSTS for fair fighting. These rules are important and may require practice. In the heat of the moment, they may seem difficult to apply. You and your mate will succeed if you have the honest intention to clean up your relationship, because you can always go back and talk later when you are calmer and in a better space.

1. If you feel a slow burn, STOP! Often when you get mad it feels like an eruption. You feel a rush of anger or rage that sweeps your entire body and mind. It may feel like you lose your train of thought or you forget what you want to say. You want to explode at the other person. Stop! It’s not the right time to talk.

2. Remember this is not your enemy. Right now, your survival system sees your beloved as a threat, the enemy, and a source of pain. Only survival counts. So you may feel inclined to say anything, fight with all your might, win at all costs. It’s a big mistake!

3. Avoid mental/emotional associations with your love or marriage relationship that don’t serve you. When you get upset you are “activated.” Your survival system has begun making associations, or links, between your beloved and those who hurt you in the past. An inner voice may be saying things like: “This is what all women do.” Or: “This is what my Dad used to do, and I don’t want to be in a relationship with my dad.”

4. Take a “time out.” Ask: “Am I too upset to resolve this right now?” If the answer is yes, you need a break and some distance. Notice, I didn’t say storm out. I didn’t say, slam the door, bolt to your car, and burn rubber as you speed away. Keep your head and say, “I am too upset to talk about this right now. I need a break and to get out of here for a little while. Let’s talk later.” Sometimes tiny skirmishes dissipate naturally. If you feel the anger dissipate naturally, let it go.

5. Stay on the topic at hand. “Emotional vomiting” is off limits. This is not an opportunity to unload all the upsets you have not been holding in. Let some things go. If you use this as a dumping ground you will start a painful fighting cycle with no end.

6. Let your partner save face. If you are fighting over who’s right and who’s wrong, you will both lose. In one couple’s counseling session, the woman kept correcting the man’s memory of the facts. Then she complained about how mean he was getting when he asserted his memory. She didn’t see that he needed room to save face and feel like he was right, too. She needed to drop the facts. Ask yourself, “Do I want a harmonious love relationship or to be right?”

7. Both partners must get a full turn. To start say: “OK, let’s take turns. You go first and I will listen, and then let you know what I have heard you say. When you are done, it will be my turn to speak.” If he says, “I am angry that you leave the counter dirty,” say, “What I hear you saying is that it makes you mad.” Then you can ask, “Why does this make you angry? How else does that make you feel?” When you have heard your partner’s point of you, it will be your turn to talk about your feelings. Make a sincere effort to fix upset areas.

8. Try to stand in your partner’s shoes and see the world from his/her point of view. Wanting to understand does not mean you are “giving in” or being weak. It means your love or marriage relationship comes first. You want to the bottom of the conflict so you can resolve it. Being understood is the number one diffusion technique in any conflict. It can prevent years of marriage counseling. You can say, “What I hear you saying is …” Drop your pride and be willing to say that you apologize even if you don’t think you did anything wrong. Intentions are not always interpreted as they were meant. You say, “I am sorry, I do see how it could have come across that way.” Only then will they be open to hear your point of view.”

9. Offer a heart-felt apology. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t intend to do anything wrong if the other person in your marriage or love relationship feels offended. You can say, “I am sorry. I do apologize for that. I can see your point of view and imagine how that would feel.”

10. Do not under any circumstances call names. When you call your love a bitch, bastard, whore, asshole, idiot, stupid, and so on, you are being abusive. You may win the current battle but your marriage or romance will suffer. Don’t be surprised if you need marriage counseling or your love relationship suffers.

Keep in mind, both of you have a right to feel the way you do. What counts is being heard and understood. You friendship, love or marital relationship can grow, deepen and be a place of safety, love and expansion when you follow these simple rules.

Terrorists and freedom fighters

"'Unbounded' morality ultimately becomes counterproductive even in terms of the same moral principles being sought. The law of diminishing returns applies to morality."

Thomas Sowell

There's a story about Robespierre that has the preeminent rabble-rouser of the French Revolution leaping up from his chair as soon as he saw a mob assembling outside.

"I must see which way the crowd is headed", he is reputed to have said: "For I am their leader."

salon. com/tech/books/1999/11/04/new_optimism/

People who exercise violence in the pursuit of what they hold to be just causes are alternately known as "terrorists" or "freedom fighters".

They all share a few common characteristics:

A hard core of idealists adopt a cause (in most cases, the freedom of a group of people). They base their claims on history - real or hastily concocted, on a common heritage, on a language shared by the members of the group and, most important, on hate and contempt directed at an "enemy". The latter is, almost invariably, the physical or cultural occupier of space the idealists claim as their own.

The loyalties and alliances of these people shift effortlessly as ever escalating means justify an ever shrinking cause. The initial burst of grandiosity inherent in every such undertaking gives way to cynical and bitter pragmatism as both enemy and people tire of the conflict.

An inevitable result of the realpolitik of terrorism is the collaboration with the less savoury elements of society. Relegated to the fringes by the inexorable march of common sense, the freedom fighters naturally gravitate towards like minded non-conformists and outcasts. The organization is criminalized. Drug dealing, bank robbing and other manner of organized and contumacious criminality become integral extensions of the struggle. A criminal corporatism emerges, structured but volatile and given to internecine donnybrooks.

Very often an un-holy co-dependence develops between the organization and its prey. It is the interest of the freedom fighters to have a contemptible and tyrannical regime as their opponent. If not prone to suppression and convulsive massacres by nature - acts of terror will deliberately provoke even the most benign rule to abhorrent ebullition.

The terrorist organization will tend to emulate the very characteristics of its enemy it fulminates against the most. Thus, all such groups are rebarbatively authoritarian, execrably violent, devoid of human empathy or emotions, suppressive, ostentatious, trenchant and often murderous.

It is often the freedom fighters who compromise their freedom and the freedom of their people in the most egregious manner. This is usually done either by collaborating with the derided enemy against another, competing set of freedom fighters - or by inviting a foreign power to arbiter. Thus, they often catalyse the replacement of one regime of oppressive horror with another, more terrible and entrenched.

Most freedom fighters are assimilated and digested by the very establishment they fought against or as the founders of new, privileged nomenklaturas. It is then that their true nature is exposed, mired in gulosity and superciliousness as they become. Inveterate violators of basic human rights, they often transform into the very demons they helped to exorcise.

Most freedom fighters are disgruntled members of the middle classes or the intelligentsia. They bring to their affairs the merciless ruthlessness of sheltered lives. Mistaking compassion for weakness, they show none as they unscrupulously pursue their self-aggrandizement, the ego trip of sending others to their death. They are the stuff martyrs are made of. Borne on the crests of circumstantial waves, they lever their unbalanced personalities and project them to great effect. They are the footnotes of history that assume the role of text. And they rarely enjoy the unmitigated support of the very people they proffer to liberate. Even the most harangued and subjugated people find it hard to follow or accept the vicissitudinal behaviour of their self-appointed liberators, their shifting friendships and enmities and their pasilaly of violence.

Are you in need of acne relief

Acne is a problem that affects not just teenagers but adults also. If you are in need of relief, there are a multitude of products, remedies, potions, etc. on the market help you. The first trip should be to your local boxmart (Wal-Mart, Target, etc) or local grocer. Why? Each of these locations typically has a licensed pharmacist on staff. They usually, key on the word usually, are more than willing to help you identify products that work well vs. those that do not. If the pharmacist at one location is not helpful, try another. You can do this from you own home via the phone. No need to drive all over the place. Another solution to check out are so called natural remedies. These “natural” remedies are usually natural items such as everyday foods, plants, chemicals, etc. The claim is that certain combinations of these ingredients act in such a way that the effect will reduce acne.

Before you run off and do these items, there are other things you should check into. Although doctors and scientists cannot say for sure what exactly causes acne, there are several things that are at the top of the list of suspects.

Medications - Many believe that Acne can be a side effect of some drugs, including barbiturates, seizure medication and steroids. Interestingly enough some believe that birth control pills cause acne while others prescribe birth-control as a medication for acne.

Chocolate - Many now believe that chocolate cannot cause acne outbreaks. Still, there are those who are staunch believers that chocolate causes outbreaks. The debate rages on.

Stress - While stress may not be a cause of acne, many people believe that stress can aggravate acne. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress.

Washing your face too often - While acne sufferers should keep their face clean, too much washing or harsh scrubbing will actually aggravate the skin causing acne to occur

Using greasy skin care products and oily cosmetics. Acne occurs when the pores become plugged up. Therefore, one can assume that any product that covers up the face in anyway may block the pores and the natural release of sebum may help cause acne flare-ups.

Environmental Irritants - Think of it, pollution is an unnatural containment. Being in a high pollution area can cause several reactions in the body, including acne. It is also thought that high humidity can cause acne outbreaks. High humidity can cause the skin to swell thereby blocking those pores.

Your Diet - Your diet, (what you eat) can have significant impact on acne outbreaks. Excessive dairy products, fatty foods, etc. are thought to have an impact on acne breakouts as well as a lack of zinc in your diet. Zinc supplements are often prescribed to treat acne.

As always, each person is different. You may have noticed that certain foods seem to have more of an impact on your acne than others. If you are unsure, pay closer attention to your diet and keep track of your acne outbreaks.

Of course, you should always consult with your dermatologist/doctor.

Outdoor living spaces extend your livable space and delight the senses

What started out as a yard in the great American dream has evolved into an outdoor living space, encompassing dining areas, living rooms and even play areas that go way beyond the swingsets of the 1950’s. These spaces extend the livable area of your home, while saving you money and increasing your home’s value. This is particularly true in the Southwest, where bug-free, temperate outdoor conditions predominate for much of the year. In fact, a little further south, Latin American homes often blur the distinction between indoor and outdoor spaces – a bedroom might open to the garden or the dining room might call for outdoor eating all year ’round.

To take advantage of the wisdom of outdoor spaces, it’s important to remember that you’ll be more likely to use them if they’re close to the entrances of your home. One exception to that rule, however, are retreat spaces – sanctuaries you’ll want to remove from the house to create a sense of privacy and solace.

One of the most popular outdoor spaces is the outdoor dining room/kitchen. Plans for outdoor dining rooms can range from the basic to the outrageous, depending on your inclination and budget. Merely placing tables and chairs to take advantage of (or avoid) the sun, with a barbeque set up nearby, may be all you need. Even so, consider accents to dress up the space, like container gardens and solar-powered lights.

If you want to go for broke, install an entire outdoor kitchen with weatherproof cabinets and outdoor-ready appliances. Often the cabinets and appliances form the “walls” or boundaries of the space which you can then dress up with Spanish tile and a dining set. Use a pergola to provide shade and some cover.

Another popular option is the outdoor living room. Some families create not one, but two outdoor living spaces, one on the east side of the house and one on the west side. When it’s hot out, they always have a shady respite, and during cooler weather they can soak up the sun’s rays all day long. Planting greenery around these areas will help defray cooling costs in the summer and provide privacy and protection from the wind. Consider making these spaces more cozy with weatherproof fabrics, rattan furniture and pillow-draped seat walls. And to add interest, build your outdoor living room around a focal point such as a view, water feature or even a fireplace.

There are many reasons to consider creating outdoor living spaces. They not only raise your property value, but can be a place to entertain or simply an easy way to enjoy the great outdoors without having to leave your home.

The coffee beverage chicago style

Coffee used to be just coffee. You used to have a choice of either black or white, with or without caffeine. Today when you decide which coffee beverage to indulge in choosing a coffee beverage can be very confusing. Some of your choices may be: an Espresso, a Latte, Mocha, an Iced coffee, or a Cappuccino. In Chicago they have a very strong special coffee which is very popular amongst the locals which is called Intelligencia coffee. It is a very potent coffee which is full of flavour and can be purchased almost anywhere even at gas stations and convenience stores. The best coffee house in my opinion is in Illinois and can be found at 3123 North Broadway Street.

The History Of The Cup Of Coffee

The coffee beverage was first consumed back in 1000A. D. but the first coffee shop didn’t open until the year 1475. In 1601 coffee finally made it to North America. In the year 1668 the coffee beverage became New York’s favorite breakfast beverage in place of beer and is now know around the world as a breakfast drink that can be enjoyed at any time of the day.

You can buy coffee beans and grind them yourself or you can but them packaged already ground for you. The coffee beverage is also available in single packs much like tea bags, for those who don’t want to wait for the coffee beverage to brew, there are instant granules. There are also powdered versions of cappuccinos as well.

There can be a few factors to consider when choosing the best coffee. Depending on your mood, the time of day and where you are will help you get your coffee fix. If your in a hurry and don’t have time to stop in a gourmet coffee shop then you might want to go to a drive thru which can be found in coffee house in Chicago. There you will get the tried and true coffee beverage. Here are a couple of Chicago coffee houses you could try.

6 Corners Coffee Shop

4022 N Milwaukee

Chicago

Bridgeport Coffee House

3100 S Morgan

Chicago

Metropolis

1039 West Granville Avenue

Chicago

A tourist guide to rome

Rome is the capital city of Italy and one of the most beautiful cities in Europe. It is ridded with fabulous architecture, historic attractions and small cobblestone streets. Its many famous landmarks including the magnificent Colosseum will make your stay in the city one that will be remembered for life.

Traveling There

Flying is an easy option as Rome has its own airport (Leonardo da Vinci Airport) that receives flights from many other worldwide international airports. There are frequent shuttle bus transfers and trains that run from both the international and domestic airports in Rome.

Great rail and bus services operate throughout Italy so getting around I easy. Also, good road networks make driving an option for those who want to take in the scenery on the way.

Accommodation Choices

Rome is a luxurious and expensive city and for this reason you can expect the accommodation rates to be quite high. The city is also very popular so be sure to book well in advance. All kinds of accommodation can be found within the city such as hotels, guesthouses, apartments and hostels.

History

Rome has a vast and interesting history as it was once the capital of the Roman Empire that began in 753 BC. The Empire practically took over the world and conquered up to one fifth of its population. Later on in the Middle Ages, Rome grew as a cultural and artistic capital city.

Sights and Attractions

The main reason that the majority of tourists visit Rome is because of the amazing sightseeing. The main attraction and a must see is the huge Colosseum. If architecture is of your interest be sure to visit Panthenon in the city centre. This building was far ahead of its time. Also go and see the Trevi Fountain and Spanish Steps and be sure to be overwhelmed.

Shopping

Many people travel to Italy for its shopping potential and Rome is often the place where they go. Whilst in the city you can see and feel the locals love for style and fashion. The streets of Rome are full of the world’s leading designer brands and can be particularly dear in price. If you are after high street fashion then head for the areas of Via Nazionale, Via del Corso and Via Cola di Rienzo.

Dining Options

Rome is a great place to go out eating and drinking. Most restaurants offer an array of international cuisine and Italian specialties such as traditional pizza and many pasta dishes. Dining establishments can be found all over the city and cater for all budgets.

Who s who on the bridal shower guest list

When getting married, it can sometimes be difficult to understand the proper etiquette involved with many of the wedding functions. The bridal shower is no exception. Many brides-to-be are left uncertain of the proper procedures to follow when planning a bridal shower and who to invite. In addition, the proper role of different guests on the list can become confusing. With a few simple rules of thumb, however, you are guaranteed to have a memorable and proper bridal shower.

Who Hosts the Bridal Shower?

The maid or matron of honor, and never the bridesmaids, traditionally hosts the bridal shower. It is, however, acceptable for another close friend of either the bride or the groom to take on the responsibility. For the most part, it is considered unacceptable for a close relative of the bride, such as the mother or siblings, to throw a bridal shower. This is because it gives the appearance that the family is scouting for gifts. In some areas of the country, however, it is customary for a close relative to throw the bridal shower. In addition, if the bride does not have anyone else to throw the party for her, it may be acceptable for the mother or a sister to throw the party. The family members should, however, try to have as little involvement as possible. It is never considered acceptable for the bride to throw her own bridal shower.

Sometimes, the coworkers of a bride-to-be also decide to throw a bridal shower. A group of coworkers or just one coworker may host this shower. So far as etiquette is concerned, this is perfectly acceptable. Just be sure to limit the guest list to coworkers. Inviting friends and family to a bridal shower hosted by coworkers is tacky.

Who should be invited to the Bridal Shower?

You can invite whomever you want to your bridal shower. Your guest list should certainly include your mother, your future mother-in-law, and your maid or matron of honor. If the bride or the groom has a stepmother, she should also be invited. Traditionally, a bridal shower involves only women. But, co-ed bridal showers are gaining in popularity. This decision is one you will have to make when creating your guest list.

Typically, brides-to-be invite their immediate family members to attend their bridal showers. They also invite all of the female members of the bridal party, and the male members if the bridal shower is co-ed, and other close relatives. Close friends are also invited to the bridal shower. As a rule of thumb, only people who have been invited to the wedding itself should be invited to the bridal shower. It is uncouth to invite someone to the shower without also inviting him or her to the wedding as it implies you are only interested in receiving his or her gifts. You are not, however, expected to invite everyone who will be attending the wedding. Of course, bridal showers hosted by co-workers are the exception – you are not expected to invite you co-workers to your wedding, even if they do throw you a bridal shower.

If you are having a difficult time deciding who to invite to your bridal shower and who not to invite, take a look at your wedding guest list. First, eliminate all of the females with whom the bride does not know directly, such as the wives of male friends. Next, cross off people who were invited to the wedding simply because it is “proper,” but who are not close to the bride. This can include distant relatives or female friends of the bride-to-be’s parents.

What if there will be more than One Bridal Shower?

If you will be having more than one bridal shower, mothers, stepmothers, and female siblings on both sides, as well as the maid of honor, should be invited to every shower. None of these women, however, should be expected to provide a gift at each shower. In addition, the female siblings of the groom should have the option of choosing to attend only one of the showers. Any other guests should be only invited to one of the showers. If you do choose to invite someone to more than one shower, be sure to make it perfectly clear that the person is not expected to bring a gift each time.